As far as I know I'm a heterosexual man. I don't like dance music, my room is a mess and I really appreciated Kathy Ireland's month in the swim suit calendar purchased in brainwashed adolescence. But over the past three days I've watched Lenny Kravitz's penis explode out of his pants like a scrawny Brown Kool Aid man through a brick wall of black leather, 458+ times, in fact I'm going to watch it again right now. A part of me worries I will watch it repeatedly while driving and wrap myself around a telephone poll, clinging to my phone in my cold dead hand, giving my mom the tough news "he died doing what he loved." I've legitimized it in my mind as ok, I mean it's ok regardless, but ok within my sexual definition of self in that I'm mesmerized, if not full on hypnotized, by the facial expression he makes at the moment of impact / breakout. 11 years ago I tried to fart on my best friend's head and I jumped up and accidentally fired a turd out of a hole in my pants. I like to think I made the same face, a unique combination of shock, shame and some kinda misplaced feral pride, basking in the feat of what should never pass. Lenny looked intense, like he had something to prove, the shadow years of a career, the hits long in the rearview, relevance alongside like tumbleweed leaving the reach of sight, he had cut his dreads and lost his power like Sampson, but he clung on, leather leaps and stunt struts, that stance of Los Angeles, forever young where "disingenuous" owns a question mark. The problem I had was with forwarding. After all, as funny as it is, it's a penis breaking on through to the other side, it's not a cat gif nor a child fail. Every text I forwarded had a moment of pause. I think they'll find this funny, but if they open it at work and they work with children and a young kid sees Lenny's manhood, did I cost a friend a job, a child his youth? I thought "this is going to crack my mom up", but that message went unsent, I think a wise decision, after all, dick pics have derailed political careers, did I really want to send a dick pic to my mom and read about her heart attack on buzzfeed. I sent it to Brad Lee who asked if there was a Grammy or Emmy for gifs, perhaps that's what a Cleo is, I don't know. But it's a heroic 1 second of film (ha, I accidentally typed firm instead of film, Lenny's dick is homosexual propaganda, the republicans were right, we're all going to be brain(bow)washed and Are You Gonna Go My Way was about sexual orientation) and accomplishes what it takes Judd Apatow 2 hours to pull off. It deserves something! Didn't need to google image search Kathy Ireland for this piece though, what happens to a wet dream deferred.....